I haven’t posted for almost two weeks as I have been in a very dark place. Logically I know that to write would help me release some of these feelings but finding the motivation has been very hard.
The assessment itself was pretty stressful and when my husband was brought in for some questions I fell to pieces. To hear him say what he did touched my heart as I thought he never really understood. But when I received a letter from the mental health unit I was distraught. Instead of the offer of health I have been discharged which has left me feeling like I am drowning. I asked my husband does that mean I have to hurt myself to get help. I have cut in the past and have managed to ignore the current issues I have but it gets harder everyday and the fact that I am on the highest dose of anti depressant and anti anxiety meds makes me wonder if they even care.
My meds especially the anti depressants are hard core. Effexor they are called Google them and see, supposedly the best on the market for symptoms but killer side effects if you miss even one dose. So on the plus side, if I ever get to the stage of lowering the dose I am in for a real fun time.
But anyway I am rambling and I apologise, I just find myself in a worse place than I was before the assessment. I know the national health is at breaking point but to turn someone away who is having thoughts of self harm surely shouldn’t happen.
I’d like to end this post on a high. I received my first message and follow from firstfloorluka. And I would like to thank her very very much. It’s nice to know there’s someone out there xx
whatmomma 
For over 30 years, I have struggled with some of the feelings that you deal with. Most people have never been there. There idea of depression is being down because their team lost a game. A game that you and I would have trouble even focusing on. It really is not their fault. They have not walked in your shoes and neither have I, but I know the desperation and the feeling of nothingness or plain mental anguish.
Keep writing. It matters. You matter. And things can and do get better if we just hang in there.
Hang in there. Luka
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Thank you. X you have no idea how much that means xx
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Your poems/ expressive writing mean a lot to me. I’m not alone in my pain. As you wrote “shared pain is halved” or something like that. I’ve learned to accept the loneliness that I feel in the company of people who care about me. I’m learning that we are all so very human. People have pain that I can’t relate to. I hope that I never add to their pain and that I can really listen anyway. Let’s try that today. Joy Peace to U.
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